This time I was paying particular attention to the motivations and desires (and beliefs and fears) and how they were manifesting in the behaviour of the patients who Grosz describes. The notes that I made on a few that stuck, some summarising case studies and others more general (many largely verbatim from the book):
Has always been afraid (parents were neglectful). Helps to know he is frightened of something. Can't allow himself to feel weak. Dependence is dangerous. So always turns on other people to alienate them.
Wasn't allowed to come home from boarding school. Voice goes up at end of sentence, even when not asking a question. Wants to hear whether others agree with what she is saying. Makes jokes when hurt/angry - when others laugh, it's a sign they believe her feelings and reality.
Parents had drunken rows; mother had tantrums and hit him. Now imagines a house in France with a 'magic door' that he can open anywhere and be there immediately. Thinks about it when cut off (fears separation), frightened, angry.
Used to wet bed. Mother cleaned up and never discussed with him, nor mentioned to father (who would be furious). Something only they shared. Now tells lies as a way of making a mess and hopes listener says nothing, and so becomes a partner in a secret world.
Sent away to live with grandmother just before younger sister born, and stayed for several months. As a child, feared being sent away again if she allowed herself to feel her own feelings, so she didn't learn to recognise what she really felt. Example of father telling her that she couldn't write a card to her teacher saying she loved her teacher even more than her mother; repeated when her partner makes a comment about how she feels about another person. [there really is a particular pathos to a lonely child]
***
We may never find a way to voice a story that our childhood teaches us, because we don't have the words. But then we express ourselves through other means.
Paranoia may express a need to not be forgotten, overlooked or insignificant. It may be worse to be forgotten than to be hated.
Lovesickness may be a form of regression - in longing for intense closeness, we are like infants craving our mothers' embrace. This is why we are most at risk when we are struggling with loss or despair, or when we are lonely and isolated.
Haunting makes us feel - makes us alive to - some fact about the world, some piece of information, that we're trying to avoid. ... Scrooge changes because the ghosts unpick his delusion that you can live a life without loss. They undo his delusion by haunting Scrooge with the losses he has already experienced, the losses now being endured around him, and the inevitable loss of his own life and possessions. ... sometimes we change most when we repair our relation to the lost, the forgotten, the dead. [particularly germane to a number of things being sorted through in my mind, and which I've been reading about]
Some people fear being seen as they believe they truly are.
(last time)
Has always been afraid (parents were neglectful). Helps to know he is frightened of something. Can't allow himself to feel weak. Dependence is dangerous. So always turns on other people to alienate them.
Wasn't allowed to come home from boarding school. Voice goes up at end of sentence, even when not asking a question. Wants to hear whether others agree with what she is saying. Makes jokes when hurt/angry - when others laugh, it's a sign they believe her feelings and reality.
Parents had drunken rows; mother had tantrums and hit him. Now imagines a house in France with a 'magic door' that he can open anywhere and be there immediately. Thinks about it when cut off (fears separation), frightened, angry.
Used to wet bed. Mother cleaned up and never discussed with him, nor mentioned to father (who would be furious). Something only they shared. Now tells lies as a way of making a mess and hopes listener says nothing, and so becomes a partner in a secret world.
Sent away to live with grandmother just before younger sister born, and stayed for several months. As a child, feared being sent away again if she allowed herself to feel her own feelings, so she didn't learn to recognise what she really felt. Example of father telling her that she couldn't write a card to her teacher saying she loved her teacher even more than her mother; repeated when her partner makes a comment about how she feels about another person. [there really is a particular pathos to a lonely child]
***
We may never find a way to voice a story that our childhood teaches us, because we don't have the words. But then we express ourselves through other means.
Paranoia may express a need to not be forgotten, overlooked or insignificant. It may be worse to be forgotten than to be hated.
Lovesickness may be a form of regression - in longing for intense closeness, we are like infants craving our mothers' embrace. This is why we are most at risk when we are struggling with loss or despair, or when we are lonely and isolated.
Haunting makes us feel - makes us alive to - some fact about the world, some piece of information, that we're trying to avoid. ... Scrooge changes because the ghosts unpick his delusion that you can live a life without loss. They undo his delusion by haunting Scrooge with the losses he has already experienced, the losses now being endured around him, and the inevitable loss of his own life and possessions. ... sometimes we change most when we repair our relation to the lost, the forgotten, the dead. [particularly germane to a number of things being sorted through in my mind, and which I've been reading about]
Some people fear being seen as they believe they truly are.
(last time)
