Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath - "Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives"

Spent a while this afternoon reading through these strange little 'detective' narratives. For some reason, they strike me as having a faintly Gorey flavour - could be the surreal edge and bizarre 'logic', not to mention the intimations of metaphysics at the edges, and maybe the self-contained, puzzled eccentricity of the shut-in detectives themselves, Peter and Jenny (there's also a wee bit of Dorothy Parker in some moments) - but the whole point is the contemporary settings, of course. It goes something like this:

Last year, Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath, cousins, left their jobs to become self-declared shut-ins. They quickly discovered that even the shut-in's life is full of many small mysteries. Inspired by the great tradition of housebound detectives, they resolved to become investigators themselves. The following are cases from their files.

And here is an example:

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#22: The Case of the Lonely Detectives OR Why Doesn't Anyone Ask Us Out?
Status: Solved

One evening, after drinking more than is their habit, the Shut-Ins found themselves in a maudlin and introspective mood. Draining his second Brandy Alexander, Peter asked, "Why is it, dear cousin, that no one ever asks us out? You, in particular, are what they call a 'catch.' If your mood swings are any indication, you are still fertile, and your uncommonly wide midsection suggests you'd bear children easily. And yet no man has snapped you up. How can that be?"

"I could ask the same about you," Jenny replied. "You are fun company. Those deeply carved lines around your mouth and eyes suggest you laugh easily and often. And yet, here you sit, alone." Peter shook his head. "It's a mystery, indeed." What was the cause?

"Perhaps it's because we so rarely leave the house," Jenny suggested. Peter countered that this often heightened one's allure. Wasn't Greta Garbo the most pursued woman in the world?

Well, then, perhaps astrology was to blame. Peter disagreed. "We're different signs. We can't be under the same bad star. But maybe the problem is bad feng shui." Jenny dissented. "That can't be, either, because feng shui is a load of crap."

The cousins were stymied. But a few hours later, as they settled into late-night TV, the mystery solved itself. As a talk show reminded the detectives, people are often single because they are too hot. "The answer, in a phrase, is that we're too sexy for our shirts," Jenny announced. Peter nodded in agreement. "There's a perp, all right, and it's our own damned attractiveness." The Shut-Ins toasted each other's tragic allure before falling asleep in their respective chairs, where they remained, snoring delicately, until morning.

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But really the case studies need to be read as a whole for maximum effect - cumulatively, they're v. funny.

Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives